Staring at the computer. Checking the thesaurus. Wrecking my brain. Checking thesaurus again. There is really no other word for “predictable” that wholesomely describes Kismat Konnection’s story, dialogues, character transformations, etc, etc, etc. The title clearly says that it’s all konnected by kismat. So, no points for asking why it is set in Canada (or should that be Kanada?)

Which also means that you are demented if you complain about all the happy coincidences when boy meets girl, loses her, wins her back or maybe not. But looks like, asking for ‘unique’ coincidences is asking for too much. Movies like these have been our staple diet when we were growing up, dear movie makers! It’s high time you begin respecting that and show us something more. And just zip up on the tacky symbolic lights-out-luck-down, lights-on-fate-bright bit! It truly makes my eyes hurt from rolling.

And the dialogues have the same effect, when my brain involuntarily says out the words two seconds before the characters do. Before, I can control it from doing so. Hell, let alone the dialogues, the lyrics of the songs are just prose set to tunes, and have no poetry. And, the music didn’t work for me in the promos and didn’t work for me while watching the movie.

Well, it’s not like this one doesn’t have its moments. Juhi Chawla and the lines given to her had me in splits for the 7 minutes she was on screen. Then there’s this one scene where Vidya Balan’s character, Priya describes her idea of an ideal match, which culminates into a lovely romantic moment. But those are about the 9 minutes that I enjoyed in the movie.

The other romantic moments are either as if no one in the movie’s team has been romantic after the 80s (stuffed toys as gifts, p-l-e-a-s-e!). Or real romance is so cheesy that it’s better to portray this dream world where a squeaky toy can make a heart-broken girl smile than think of genuine romantic situations.

Vidya Balan is one actor who can convey sensuousness through her facial expressions and doesn’t really need a ‘hot’ body to convey that. Which means you need no leather pants in your wardrobe, lady! She looks great though, or at least much better than I thought she would after Heyy Babyy. Thanks to the camera decisions of mostly focusing on her upper body and more so the charming face. And that’s the end of intelligent or smart camerawork decisions. Because, the lighting had this uncanny way of making the streets of Canada look like they were studio sets. Or were they actually sets?

And it’s obvious that director Aziz Mirza has gotten so used to directing Shah Rukh Khan that almost through half the movie, I had to remind myself that it’s Shahid Kapoor I’m watching. And it completely doesn’t work when he tried to pull an Amitabh Bachchan from Namakhalal by spouting fast monologues on a sport.

But then, there’s this thing that Shahid’s eyes do that make you wish he gets the girl even if it’s the most expected thing to happen story-wise. Yet the puppy eyes fail to convince me that he’s this struggling architect who magically owns a largish house in Canada, a convertible, a large screen TV and yet is broke.

So, you’re not allowed to forget that the operative word in the title is “Kismat” - luck, fortune, destiny, whatever you would like to call it as the opening, boring voiceover monologue by Shah Rukh Khan reminds you. klearly kommon kismat konnection is more like it.

- Meetu, a part of the audience