Last night while watching Shootout at Lokhandwala (SAL) I was beaming with joy, gloating in a pool of pride and all this not because I am proud of Apoorva Lakhia’s directorial skills but because I was spot on with my prediction. Yes people, Shootout at Lokhandwala is a complete bukwass philum. I really feel sorry for all those who expected this gangster rap to be rocking, but yaar if you mix 5 star class pasta with roadside vada paav you would only end up with beswadi khichadi.

And that’s exactly what SAL is, neither a classy commercial film nor a gut-retching reality flick. All you do the entire 2 hours 15 minutes is wait for this torture to get over because you can’t even afford to walk off after shelling out 250 Rupees behind this miserable effort.

But not to worry too much, if you have already bought the tickets and have yet to see it, here are some noteworthy aspects (and thank God for that).

• Sanjay Dutt and his sexy slouchy walk - Man, the way he walks is simply mind-blowing. Not at all exaggerating here but this old-dude can put even the most happening male model on the ramp to shame. It’s no surprise as to why he is fondly nicknamed Deadly Dutt.
• Amrita Singh as Maya Dolas’ mother - Now without makeup she does look a little freaky but her blended performance of a psychopath and emotional mother is quite believable. In my opinion she has done a much better job than most of her male co-actors.
• National Anthem - In Mumbai multiplexes its mandatory to stand and listen to our National Anthem before the start of any film, and as far as I can re-collect this was the only enjoyable 3 minutes at a stretch from last night’s show.

Now moving on to my bitchy side, here are just some of points (and a few advices) that make this film a thakela watch.

• Tusshar Kapoor and Ronit Roy seem to be very much influenced by Ekta Kapoor’s saas-bahu serials, their chest hair seem to appear and disappear as conveniently as the characters in K-serials.
• What the heck is wrong with Suniel Shetty’s accent? The man should realize that he can’t carry it off as stylishly as apna Sallu baba.
• A total waste of Bindass Babe Rakhi Sawant. She should have infact been given more screen time than those duds like Dia Mirza and Neha Dhupia.
• So much money but still such kanjoos Mr. Sanjay Gupta is that he could not even arrange for decent body double for Abhishek Bachchan and the Dubai Don.
• Over dosage of Item Songs.
• Vivek…Vivek…Vivek, oh boy! I feel so sad for you. No jokes I really do and as a well-wisher I advise you to move on, move on from your tango with Mrs. Rai Bachchan and from acting in Bollywood.
• Sanjay Gupta desperately needs to change his production house’s name from White Feathers to Black Feathers, maybe with the insertion of Black he could finally get rid-off the bad voodoo and start making watchable movies.
• Apoorva Lakhia, no offenses but you seem to have gone from bad to worse with every film of yours. Its time you realize this ain’t your thing, how about joining Balaji Telefilms?

As you can see from the above, I could go on and on and on but I won’t.

Instead I shall leave you with the most apt one-liner exhaled by some dude, once the credit titles were up - “Gupta, Kya F***all Picture Hai”.